A World Gone Mad

I never update this blog. I have all these ideas that jumble in my head but since I am no longer allowed on the net at work I never get them down. I am actually sort of happy cause it means no one actually reads it anymore. Even Reese has given up on me being a blogger. On the plus side I can rant and rave to my hearts content.

On the off chance someone does read this just skip the next paragraph. I have to do something other then scream at the walls.


WHY!!!!!!!!
WHY GOD!!!!!!!!!
WHY!!!!!!!!!!!!
How could you do this to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How could you do this to him!!!!!!!!!! To his family and his friends and his mom and his brother. I know he didn't have much faith in you but we did. I did!!! God sometimes I wonder if you know what the fuck you are doing.
He was only twenty eight!!!!!!! 28!! One year older then me!!! It's not like he wasn't doing something with his life!! Good job, educated. Hell he made more money then me and I'm a lawyer. And where the FUCK are the police. No calls no interviews nothing on the news. No one to figure out who could have done this. A man is shot DEAD on the southside and not even a blip on the radar. Don't any of these people care? Do they think he was just another gangster gunned down in the hood. Why could you have not taken one of those hopeless brothers on the corner, why did it have to be him? Walking down the same street he's walked down for 28 years. The same street I walked down with him a thousand times. Since the seventh grade God. What will I do without him. Are you even listening to me. Do you know what you've done? Did you think about that when you let him die on the operating table. I have known him my whole life. At least the life I can remember. I can't imagine my future without him. What will I do. How will I live. Why am I ranting and raving to a keyboard as if you are listening. It's very clear to me that today you are not.

Ok I am calm again. No more crying on the keyboard. I have listened to R. Kelly's song I wish about 4 times and I feel a bit better. God I know this isn't your fault. I know your sad too. I just feel so helpless right now. I spent the whole day trying to convince mysef it wasn't true and coming off my morning denial has been hard. Plus I am home alone now looking at these four walls. Trying to remember the sound of his voice. I don't handle crisis well. I have never had too. Harold always handled everything a lot better then me. He would have been the first person I called with bad news. When I got dumped last week he was the one who took me out and cheered me up. He was always the one to say tomorrow would be better. It's hard to believe it when he is not hear to say it. And it hurts so much that I have so many regrets. I took so much for granted. I never worried about being alone in the future because I always knew he would be there. I found out today that he worried about ME being there. There were things about himself that he was afraid to tell me. Things I always knew. Things I never brought up because I was waiting for him. I knew I needed to talk to him. I even knew what I needed to say. But I put it off not because I was afraid but because I thought there was plenty of time to wait until he was ready. I wish I would have said it. I wish when we sat down to lunch in that mexican resteraunt I had given him my speech. A speech I have had ready for years. "Harold you know I love you. And you know I always will. There is nothing NOTHING you could ever say that will ever change that. Nothing you do or nothing you are that will ever make you anything less then my very best and oldest friend." I hate it. I just can't stand it. The fact that he died not knowing that. The fact that he died with even the smallest glimmer of doubt in his head that there was some part of him that I couldn't except. All the time me and his mother spent waiting for him to come to us. So sure that he knew how we felt. And to find out that he was afraid. Afraid to be rejected. Right now I hate this country and everyone in it that made a world were harold had to die keeping secrets from me. Kris says that he loves me and he just wasn't willing to take the chance. That's the worse thing. To lose him so suddenly is bad enough. But to lose him knowing that he didn't know how much I loved him is just unbearable. I wish I had spoken up but every time I always thought, I have more time. It was always going to be the next time and the next time. I have learned a hard lesson today. Leave nothing unsaid. I always knew that of course. but I never really lived it. I know my friends are going to be sick to death of me over the next few weeks. I have so much to say to all of them. I am not lovey dovey. I am not an emotional chick. I never have been and I probably never will be. I guess that why Harold and I got on so well. We were both pretty stoic. But I think I will unbend a little and tell a few friends how much they mean to me. Of course I only had one childhood friend. Only one very best friend and it's too late for me to tell him. All I can do now for him wish it hadn't taken his death for me to realize this and not take the people I have left for granted. Besides I can hear Harold saying "Cheer up Kid. Tomorrow is another day after all and it will be better.